The 2-year mark – Success is Sweet

That's my little boy. He's reading A Time to Kill - John Grisham.

My little boy turned 2 years old a few weeks ago. With that, it’s finally official – I have successfully achieved my goal to breastfeed him exclusively for 2 years. And let me tell you; success is sweet. 

                It was difficult, at least in the beginning. Breastfeeding did not come naturally to me, like it is for some lucky moms. It was hard, painful work – in the literal sense of word. I was diagnosed with breast abscess when my son was barely two months old, and I had incision and drainage (I&D) done, which means my breast was cut about 4 inches long to drain out the pus, and was not stitched up, but patched with  dressing to let the incision heal from inside out (whatever that means). 

                Oh, there were a couple other obstacles as well, such as the fridge breaking down, so I had to throw out 50 bags of frozen milk, and the doctor advising me to take medication to stop my milk flow as to let my incision heal. Nothing serious, nothing death-defying. 

                But you know what? What doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger. The hardships I went through made the success even sweeter. You can only appreciate your success properly when you know how hard it was to get there. After all, you can’t make a rainbow without any rain, right? 

                In a way, breastfeeding an older infant i.e. more than 1 year old is more satisfying and rewarding. By this time, the bond between the mom and the baby would have been cemented that your baby wants to be with you all the time and mom became the ultimate comfort, which can be very flattering to the point of annoyance. (Again?? You just fed like, 10 minutes ago!) But believe me, this phase will pass. The time will come when you’ll be the one chasing your kid around, calling out “Hey (put your child’s name here), you want mommy’s milk now?” while he’s busy playing ball or building a bricks castle. 

                The convenience is nice. When travelling, I just need to bring bottles and formula for my older daughter, no milk bottles needed for my son, therefore less space taken up in diaper bags and less time washing up bottles. When he wants milk, I just sit down somewhere comfortable, keep us properly discreet and there we go. I have breastfed in zoos – on the tram and during animal shows, during corporate family days, in the middle of the living room surrounded by relatives during festive seasons, even in the middle of a futsal tournament, soaking wet and sweating profusely. I should have asked my husband to take a photo of us that time, but my face was all red and puffy, it would be too embarrassing even for me to look at it. Heh. 

                I’ve stopped pumping at work now, and supplementing with some fresh milk, as he still won’t take formula. He doesn’t drink too much milk, but I’m not too worried as he’s a big eater for such a little guy – you’ll be surprised how much food can go into that tiny body – he gets his calcium dose from other sources such as cheese and broccoli, his favourite vegetable. But as soon as I get home, he’ll run after me, asking to be picked up, and wants his milk immediately, hands patting my breasts. Sometimes I had to let dinner start without me. I keep asking my boy to stop for a while, and we’ll continue ‘milk’ right after I eat. But he’ll mumble and shake his head, and put up his little hand, telling me to wait. Huh.      

         

                People are telling me to stop, now that my son is already 2 years old. He’s getting bigger, taller and heavier for me to hold on my lap. As he feeds, his legs dangled around and his hands would sometimes rub my nose, play with my hair strands, and pat my chin. Sometimes he smiles as I tickle him, showing his little dimple. And I realized how much I love breastfeeding him, and how much I treasure this bonding time with him, and I just can’t bring myself to wean him off, at least not yet. Despite the many times he wakes up at night to feed, and despite the clinginess that I have to sometimes cook while holding him in my other arm, I really LOVE breastfeeding. Needless to say, I’m hooked. And I’ll stay hooked until the day he pushes me away and grows up. Sob.

Tips on how to boost your breastmilk - my breastfeeding journey

Before I had my own child, I often thought that breastfeeding is something that comes naturally and easily as breathing. Well, now I know that it is natural, but it is definitely not easy! I thought that the milk would always be there like a water pipe; the baby wants milk, just turn on the faucet, it’ll come out. The baby doesn’t want milk, turn it off and it’s gone. Just like magic. How naïve of me!

My baby boy has turned 14 months old and he’s a fully breastfed baby, despite my contracting breast abscess when he was just 1 month old. I’ve a lot of friends and relatives, even strangers, asking me, “How are you able to produce so much milk?” FYI, I don’t actually get 12 oz at each pumping session. I used to be able to pump about 6 to 8 oz of milk every session, 6 times a day, before my baby turned 6 months old. That means the total milk I produced for the day would be about 36 oz, give or take (this doesn’t include night feedings).

I guess it’s kind of a no-brainer when I tell you, that the best way to boost your breastmilk is by increasing the number of times you pump or breastfeed. The best time to do this is during your maternity leave days when your baby is still young.

I’m telling you this because I’ve learned it the hard way – during my breastfeeding my eldest daughter. She was 14 months old when I decided to wean her off altogether as I was already pregnant with our son. My first breastfeeding journey with my daughter was far from easy. I had started mixing her feedings with formula right from the start. It was a combination of not having enough knowledge plus the influences of the more experienced group – our mothers. My mother, specifically. I had cracked and bleeding nipples right from the start; latch on seemed so difficult!

Breastfeeding was so traumatic that I did not even dare to try breastfeed while lying down at night. I figured that I couldn’t even relax in broad daylight, let alone in the dark at night. So for night feeds, I would get up and prepare formula milk in a bottle for my daughter, only pumping in the morning when I wake up. Nevertheless, my breastmilk dwindled quickly as none were coming out at night for at least 7 or 8 hours.

But I wouldn’t give up entirely. I keep on working on latch on during daytime. When I returned to work after my maternity leave ended, I was pumping 3 to 4 times a day, getting only 2 or 3 oz each time. At times I felt like a total failure, not being able to breastfeed my firstborn child properly. Then sometime during the fourth month, I decided to wing it and give night feeds a go. One night, when my daughter started to cry, I pulled her close while lying on my side and nursed her, just focusing on keeping both of us comfortable. She seemed okay, nursing until she nods off to sleep. From that time onwards, I never woke up to prepare formula again (until I weaned her off, of course).

So when my son was born, I don’t have too much trouble with breastfeeding him. Because the first time with my daughter seemed like torture, at least at first, the second time I breezed through it smoothly. I nursed him for the first time about an hour after the birth, and I had him roomed in with me at the hospital after he was born. The lactation counselor even called me the “expert” breastfeeding mom when I told her that I breastfed my firstborn until she turned a year plus. Yeah, right. She didn’t know how hard it was for me to become that “expert” mom!

But then, this “expert” mom contracted breast abscess. Not very expert of her, huh? The breast abscess itself was a tremendously emotional and physically painful, long story. I’ve already poured my heart and soul on this subject; you could read all about it here.

Like I mentioned before, the single thing you absolutely must do to boost your breast milk is to pump or breastfeed more frequently during your maternity leave. This is the most ideal time, as you have, hopefully, more time to waste on pumping and more time to spend bonding while breastfeeding. The focus at the time would be for you to recover, take care of yourself and the baby, so nobody expects you to do much else.

You need to offer the baby your breast at least every two hours, or every time your baby gives out hunger cues such as crying, turning her head towards you to search for your nipple or any type of restlessness. Don’t limit the suckling time; it’s her food after all! How would you like it if someone takes away your plate while you were eating? Wait until she lets go, or until she’s sound asleep, then break off the latch gently by inserting your little finger into the corner of her mouth. If she normally takes a long time suckling and falling asleep at your breast, lie down, relax, close your eyes and take a nap (you deserve it!).

If you’re too agitated to sleep, or you want to watch a favourite movie or tv show, (moms are nothing if not multi-taskers) first of all, make yourself comfortable. I used to prep myself on a comfortable sofa with lots of pillows with a laptop in front of me so I can surf the Net while nursing. My trick was I nursed my baby using the football hold so I have my hands free to do other things. The football hold was my favourite position in those early days, because it was the easiest latch method for my baby. If I want to watch tv, I would settle myself and the baby in an armchair, with lots of pillows and the remote.

Right after nursing, pump until no more milk comes out. This is what stimulates your breast to produce more milk. Think of this metaphor; imagine you’re at a restaurant eating dinner, and you drink half of your glass of orange juice. The waiter will come and fill up your half empty (or half full, whichever you prefer) glass, right? If you finished the whole glass off, the waiter would fill up the whole glass. The point is, you need to finish off the whole glass, so you can get the waiter to refill up more. So the faster you finish up your glass of orange juice, the faster the waiter refills it for you (this waiter is a very efficient worker).

This is exactly what you’re trying to get your body to do; you need to empty your breasts completely and faster so they can ‘refill’ it back quickly. To summarize this

Source: www.kellymom.com

Here’s the rationale - During the early weeks of the baby’s life, your breasts will usually produce more milk than the baby’s needs. This is the time of engorgement, breast fullness and leaking breasts as they are adjusting their milk production according to your baby’s (or babies, if you have twins or more) actual needs. This is the best time to set the high bar for your milk production. Pump or breastfeed until your breasts are completely empty every 2 hours for the first 2 to 3 months of your baby’s life, and you’ll never have to worry about your milk supply.

Around the 3rd month, your breasts will have regulated their milk production up to the 6th month, and there’ll be another slight dip in your milk output as your baby starts eating solid food.

If you read about my breast abscess experience, you’ll know that my affected breast was producing about 1 oz due to the leak the incision made. You’ll also find out that my mom’s fridge broke down, destroying about 50 bags of my frozen milk stash. It was definitely not an easy time for me.

There are also proven research that shows milk volume or quantity is normally higher in the morning, and the quantity lessens as the day progresses. So it is imperative that you empty your breasts the first thing in the morning. What I do is, I would breastfeed my baby right before I wake up. Then after taking a shower and getting dressed for work, I would pump another 10 to 15 minutes, right before leaving for work. I won’t get much milk as one breast would be almost empty, but the purpose here is to empty both breasts.

When you get to my stage, (my baby is 14 months old now) you’ll be heartbroken to dump 2 to 3 bottles of breastmilk everyday, as you are still producing more than your baby’s needs. I’m used to this, so I no longer get heartbroken. My baby is currently a reverse cycler; he drinks just one bottle of milk during the day and nurses like crazy when I get home from work.

Even though he’s a little small for his age, but he’s eating well and he’s very active, so I’m not too worried (He’s even began to play ball with daddy, a soccer star in the making. I hope). A few weeks back, I threw out about 50 bags of frozen milk, some dating back to 5 months ago. I can actually get by without taking out the frozen stash, but it’s always comforting to know that backup milk is there if and when I need it.

So there it is, the proven method to boost your breastmilk. Pump often in the early days, and you’ll reap the benefits later. So don’t be lazy, get out that pump and get moving!

Reference: www.kellymom.com

The 1-Year Mark - Breastfeeding beyond the First Year

My baby boy has just turned one year old on November 6. This means, that I have been fully breastfeeding him for a whole year, yeay! Despite my breast abscess, I did it, double yeay!!
Read about my breast abscess challenges here, here and here.

My breast milk was not as abundant as before, but still more than enough for my little boy’s needs. In addition to the breast abscess, I also survived a sudden two-week nursing strike when he just 6 months old. It was heart-wrenching to see your baby refusing and yelling at your breast, and when you pop in a bottle, he began to suck like there’s no tomorrow. But that’s another story for another day.

Here’s a sneak peek of Aliff’s first birthday party.


That’s Thomas the Tank Engine on top of a 2.5 kg of chocolate moist cake, from Howzat’s Creation. Simply ravishing!

Here’s the birthday boy, accompanied by his lovely mom (ahem).


Ermmm… I’m digressing here.

So, one more year of breastfeeding and pumping to go. More or less. I was thinking to stop pumping when he turns two and just breastfeeding through the nights and weekends only. But then again, one year is a long time, so we’ll see how it goes.

I found this video of breastfeeding moms, which I think is very sweet. It shows of how moms nursing anytime, anywhere, from the Eiffel tower, to the beach, to the Brooklyn bridge, even on top of a mountain! I wish my breastfeeding adventures were as exotic, but I prefer to be a little discreet when nursing. To me, nursing my baby is a private affair so I don’t show it off. Plus, I’m terrified that some skin might show! No way Jose!

This is the only photo of me breastfeeding in a somewhat public place. I was in the car, on the charter ferry in Penang, Malaysia. Our car windows are tinted darker, so the image clarity isn’t too good. But if you strain your eyes just a little bit, you can see me nursing my boy in the passenger seat.

How about you? Come and share your breastfeeding experiences, and link up here. There’ll be an exciting giveaway for everyone who links up, something fun to do with your child. I’ll tell more about this giveaway in my next post, but I’ll give just one clue: Alphabets!

Tips for breastpumping moms

I’m a Medela PISA user. I’ve been using this pump for my daughter until I got pregnant with our second child, I stopped pumping, and later weaned her from the breast altogether. With the birth of my son, I brought out my trusted breastpump again and I’ve been using it ever since. To be accurate, I’ve been pumping for a total of 23 months, with a few months break in between. The bag is getting a little too worn. I’m just waiting for the straps to snap clean, so I can buy a new bag. (By the way, I have no idea how it got torn that way. It’s not like I was biting them or something.)

For new moms, I would definitely recommend Medela breastpumps. Whether manual or electric, single or double pump, you take your pick. For me, I chose PISA because I intended to use it for all kids, (at present and possibly future kids)I want a heavy duty pump as I’ll be using it A LOT, and I want the complete set with cooler bag and all. But its best feature is the 2-phase expression which closely mimics how a baby breastfeeds. The Stimulation Phase is fast and light sucking to start the milk flowing followed by the Expression Phase which is slow and stronger sucking to deliver milk faster.

It may be one of the priciest breastpumps in the market, but I think it’s a very worthwhile investment. In my case, I’m already making profits!

I’m sure most of us have experienced a sudden drop in the suction strength of the pump. Here are some tips told to me of what to look out for and how to care for the parts, given by the customer service gal in Medela office in KL.

• The most common culprit would be defects in the valve head and membranes, like shown the photos below. These would need to be replaced with new ones. This happened to me while disassembling the parts to be washed. I must have pulled it off the breastshield too hard or scrubbed on it too hard while washing.
• When you push in the valve head into the breastshield, make sure that it faces outwards or sideways instead of facing you. This could also affect the suction strength. Don’t push it in too hard or it’ll be difficult to remove and you might break it like I did.
• When you’re keeping the parts, take care not to roll the adapter wire around the adapter especially at the connector right on the adapter base. My adapter wire was getting all spirally and my pump keeps turning off by itself in the middle of a pumping session, so I had to put something at the adapter base to hold it in place. The adapter is the most expensive part of the breastpump (other than the pump motor, of course) so better not to find a reason to buy a new one.
• When you push in your breast shield into the connector, do not push in too hard or too deep like this. Just push it in gently as long as it sticks together, is good enough, like this. This doesn’t actually affect the suction strength, but it’s not very comfortable for the mom. This is because, when you push it in too deep, your nipple could graze the back of the shield as it is pulled further into the shield. Ouch!
• When you’re pumping at the office, you don’t actually have to wash your parts every single time you pump. Just put all the parts in a cooler pack or use a closed container and put them in the fridge (my office has a fridge, thank God). For long lasting cool ice packs or dry ice, put them in freezer as soon as you get home from work and only take them out in the morning before you leave. The coolness could last about 12 hours.
• Washing is a breeze, I’ve just found out. You don’t even have to sterilize it, as sterilizing could actually tear the soft silicone breastshield. Pour water over them just to clear the milk drops, then put the breastshields, connectors, valve heads and membranes into a container and submerge them in soapy water overnight. Take them out before you go to work in the morning, just wash out the soap, and you’re good to go.
• You should wipe the parts – breastshields, connectors, valve heads and membranes - with a clean towel, or if that’s too much trouble, just let it air dry. For the hard-to-reach parts, use a cotton bud. This is to avoid water droplets from getting sucked into the pump motor through the tubing. If your pump is still within its warranty period, Medela would service the motor for you free of charge. But if your warranty has expired, (warranty is for one year only) this would set you back quite a few bucks.

That’s all for now. I’ll update you if I get more tips yah!

Sources:

www.workandpump.com, www.medelabreastfeedingus.com, www.momslittleones.com

Breast abscess - my own true account

PART 3 – THE TEST OF FAITH

Photo courtesy of http://www.cartoonstock.com/

The ultimate test came when I found out my mom’s fridge broke down. My frozen milk stash amounted to around 50 bags at the time. I suddenly discovered that they had all thawed to liquid form. I checked on the fish and chicken, they were also soft and wet. My dad had a repairman to check on the fridge, and indeed the 17-year-old fridge had broken down. I was devastated! Luckily I had some fresh, unfrozen milk that I kept in my mini bar fridge, but like I mentioned earlier, my supply was not that much since I was still leaking milk from the incision. I cried my heart out as I dumped them all in the trash. I was praying hard that my current milk supply would be sufficient for my boy. Nevertheless, my husband bought one small can of baby formula, just in case. Oh, and my parents bought a new fridge immediately so I started the all new journey building up my stock all over again.

Another heart breaking discovery – the doctor suggested that I take an injection to stop the milk flow, as my incision seemed unable to heal completely as the leaking milk created blisters in the incision. Furthermore, I had rashes on the area where the plasters met my skin, it became irritated and itchy. I simply couldn’t bring myself to stop and take the injection – my baby was barely two months old. I had been so determined to breastfeed him until he turns two. I was struggling not to drown in self-pity, trying to provide enough food for my baby, take care of my daughter (with lots of help from my parents) and trying to take care of myself. I called up my good friend for moral support and comfort, she even offered her milk stash to me (she was also a breastfeeding mom; thanks so much Ckin, you’re so sweet!) just in case mine was not enough. But above all, I missed my husband, my pillar of strength, the most during this difficult time. He was especially sweet, even though he couldn’t be with me all the time.

Miraculously, after a week and two dressing changes and perseverance with the strength of steel on my part, the doctor told me that the incision had closed and the milk had stopped leaking. There was a long scar, of course, but the blisters were gone. I had no idea how and what happened, but it was a tremendous relief. The doctor even said that I can try to breastfeed again, I just need to be a little careful not to strain the incision too much, as the flesh inside would take longer to heal properly.

After the last dressing change, I finally took a look at the scar. I never looked at it before, because I was too scared to see a gaping hole in my breast and thought that it might traumatize me some more. There it was, the long, dark line widening in the middle where the drainage was done. Mixed emotions washed over me; a little sad that I now had an ugly scar, but proud of myself that I didn’t give up breastfeeding. Sure, it had been a tough journey but I had survived it. I am proud to say that despite the breast abscess, my baby is 100% exclusively breastfed, until now. (Oh, the baby formula still sits unused in the kitchen. I should give it to someone else.)

I did rebuild my milk stash; take a look.

My breast milk is so abundant; it would have been enough if my daughter also feeds on my breast milk. After all, she was also a breastfed baby previously. But she seemed to have grasped the concept that breast milk is for her little brother, so she wouldn’t take it. So I’ve had to throw out a LOT of milk. I can actually get by without using the frozen stash because I’m producing way more than my baby consumes. I’m not showing off here; I guess it’s just a reward for my perseverance. I am so grateful, so thankful that I was able to continue breastfeeding my little boy. So I guess the saying is right – what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

To moms out there, if I’ve had breast abscess and still managed to breastfeed, you absolutely CAN do it. Sure, it’s not easy. Pumping, washing a LOT of bottles (I have about 40 bottles for my two kids, most of them for storing breast milk), storing and freezing and labeling milk, sorting the milk by the first-in-first-out basis – it’s a lot of tedious work. And the breastfeeding issues such as engorgement, latch on, painful/cracked/bleeding nipple, nipple preference, sore nipples – they can be solved, if you’re willing to work on it and have a little patience. Breast milk is the best gift you can give to your baby, better than a new stroller, new baby cot, new clothes, new toys. I don’t need to tell you the benefits of breast milk, I’m pretty sure you know already them. And best of all, it’s free! Think how much you can save on baby formula, which in turn you can spend on yourself. Ha. Gotcha there.

Photo courtesy of www.zazzle.co.uk

Breast abscess - my own true account

PART 2 – THE SURGERY & THE AFTER EFFECTS

Photo courtesy of http://www.spotlighthealth.com/

The surgery turned out to be, nothing to be scared of. I have to admit, I was scared as I changed into the gown especially for surgery, lied down on the metal bed, and was pushed to the operation theatre. I was even more scared when they put me underneath all the lights, right next to metal tables where you can see all the medical equipment, just like in House. Then the surgeon told me to relax, as he put a mask over my face. I don’t even remember getting drowsy. The next thing I know, I woke up on the metal table, but all the lights were gone. I don’t feel any different than before and I wondered, is it over? What am I doing here? Then two nurses came over and began pushing my bed to my room, and I saw my husband sitting there watching tv.

The first day after the surgery went by drowsily, as I was still on painkillers. The affected breast was totally wrapped up in bandages which the nurse called dressing, so I could only express milk from my right breast. I was a bit worried because I don’t know how this surgery would affect my milk production, but I know that I still need to express to avoid any more engorgement. I had some milk stash in the freezer and about 10 bottles of unfrozen milk, which I think should be enough to last for my baby until I was discharged. Only the next day a nurse changed the dressing to expose just enough skin and the areola so that I can pump.

The surgeon later told me that the incision was 4 inches long and was quite deep because there was a considerable amount of pus. I shuddered to think I have 4-inch scar on my breast. Oh dear.. In the morning I was due to be discharged, the surgeon gave me more painkillers to knock me out so he could change the dressing. I was discharged in the afternoon after being told I was to come in twice weekly for dressing change.

Photo courtesy of http://www.spotlighthealth.com/

And so, the emotional rollercoaster began. Like I mentioned before, I wasn’t fully healed from the pain of childbirth and hemorrhage, now I have another painful body part to add to the group. Oh, and did I mention that the incision was not stitched up? That was the purpose of the dressing, to absorb all the milk that leaked out, while letting the incision heal by itself from the outside in. Close to the dressing change day, I already smelled like sour milk. Pumping was a pain in the **s. The bandages were quite wide and it covered almost the whole underside of my breast. So, to pump, I have to press the breast shield harder into the breast tissue (which is partially covered with the bandages) in order not to break suction. And, because of the leaking milk, the most I can pump out of my left breast is about 1 oz, which is downright depressing.

In addition to that, I have to be careful not to strain myself and pull at the arm and shoulder muscles, because damn, it hurts. I was too traumatized to try and breastfeed, even from the unaffected right breast, because I was worried that my baby might accidentally knock the bandage with his cute little arms or legs. Even breastfeeding while lying down on my side hurts as it puts pressure on the incision, so I thought I’d just stop breastfeeding for a while and just give him expressed milk in a bottle, hoping to God that he won’t develop nipple preferences for the bottle.

This wasn’t as easy as I thought, especially when it came to night feedings. I didn’t want my milk supply to drop, so I’d have to pump in the wee hours of the morning too. I was pumping about 10 times a day at the time, I was thinking of having the breast shields permanently stuck to my nursing bra. (The only bra I can wear is FabulousMom’s Sarah Sleep Bra, so I bought 4 of them!) Luckily, my husband bought a mini bar fridge to put next to my bed (thanks so much, honey!), so I can easily wake up in the middle of the night and warm up a bottle of milk, instead of going downstairs to the main fridge. So every night before I went to bed, I would prepare at least 3 bottles of milk ready to be warmed up in a jiffy. I would pump before going to bed, wake up to feed him when he cries, then when he’s done and dozed off, I would pump. Instead of breastfeed by demand, I would pump by demand. Same difference, really. I was doing all this on auto-pilot, like a pre-set robot. But robots don’t get tired, whereas I was left exhausted and cranky due to the lack of sleep.

Then there was twice weekly dressing change (which was done painkiller-free), which I totally despised, but totally necessary. So I gritted my teeth and wiped my tears all the way, and butted my head through them all. The doctor would take off the old bandages, clean the incision, poke it here and there, put some ointment on it, cover it up with new bandages and pronounce me good for another week. For the first three weeks, I came out of the doctor’s office with my face tear-streaked, my eyes red and my fists all white because I was clenching them so hard. My husband tried to arrange to come home on every dressing change, but he couldn’t exactly come home twice weekly. So when he couldn’t come with me, he would call me after the doctor visit with words of love and encouragement, which helped a lot.

Breast abscess - my own true account

Previously I said that I'm saving this story for another day. So here it is. But be warned: this is a rather long post. I've broken the whole story into 3 parts, so take your time. :)

PART 1 – THE DIAGNOSIS

It all started with the all-too-common breast engorgement in the early days after giving birth. Unlike most mothers whose milk “came in” three of four days after birth, my came in right after the birth. This could be due to the reason that I was still breastfeeding my 1-year-old daughter when I discovered I was pregnant for the second time. A few months along the pregnancy, when my daughter was around 14 or 15 months old, I decided to wean her off the breast completely because I was too tired to cope with the night feedings and the pumping.

The first 3 days at the hospital right after the birth of our son, the feedings were going on fine. Maybe because I’d just stop breastfeeding several months before, so I did not have too much problems breastfeeding my son. He seems to be latching on fine, too, that the lactation counselors gave high praises to me as the “expert” breastfeeding mom, though I wouldn’t say that I’m an expert. I had my share of problems too, only it got much better with experience later on.

I spent my confinement days at my parent’s house in Johor Bahru, which is 4 hours away from home. My husband would come and visit us on weekends. I don’t remember exactly when the engorgement started, it was probably the second week after the birth. I had the usual symptoms such as tender lumps, warmth and throbbing, the tightening of the skin, making it hard for my baby to latch on. Also, I came down with fever so many times, I lost count of the number. I tried nursing my baby often, which was challenging because sometimes he just could not latch on! This would usually end up with a) my baby screaming right in front of my nipple, or b) my baby screaming right in front of my nipple and me sweating profusely and almost in tears. Sometimes I just gave up, passed him to my mom and warmed up a bottle of expressed milk.

The engorgement did not disappear. I tried using cabbage leaves. I expressed more times. I tried both hot and cold compresses. I tried hand expression, breast compression and massage. Then one day, I was getting dressed, when I felt a hard lump on the underside of my left breast, which was painful when I pressed my fingers on it and felt warm. I told my mom about it. She told me that she had a lump too, when she was younger. Her gynae told her that it was not cancerous and had it removed in a minor operation. But she said that hers felt nothing like mine; it was small, hard and not painful at all. I was getting worried. I called my husband and he urged me to see a doctor immediately. I didn’t go immediately, but kept on trying to relieve the engorgement by myself. I told myself to wait until the next week.

The next week came and I was still in pain, and keep coming in and out of fevers. Finally I couldn’t ignore it any longer, so my parents took me to a clinic. She asked me to lie down and take off my bra. She took a look at it and said “oh, this looks like breast abscess.” She said the lump was red and swelling, which explained the warmth. She gave me antibiotics and asked me to come back in three days time if the pain had not subsided, in which case she would need to refer me to a surgeon.

This is how an abscess looks. (That's not me, by the way.)

Photo courtesy of www.moondragon.org

Okay, right about then, I was freaked out! I never had any surgery in my life and have been admitted to hospital wards only for childbirth, so you can imagine how I was feeling at the time. After the three days was up, I surrendered to the fact that I had to go and have my breast cut open. The doctor referred me to a surgeon at a specialist hospital. The doctor was an Indian-Muslim gentleman, about my dad’s age and gently told me to admit myself to the hospital ward the next day. He scheduled the surgery which he called incision and drainage for the day after tomorrow, 10 am. I called my husband telling him about the surgery and he promised to come home so he could be with me before the surgery starts.

My mom would have to look after both my kids during the nights I was at the hospital. My mom was not exactly young at 64, and I felt a little guilty that she would have to care for a 20-month old girl and a 1-month old baby boy, knowing that my dad was not much of a help in the middle of the night. My little girl still wakes up at night occasionally in addition to the baby’s night feedings. I told my husband to stay at home so he could take care of my daughter, leaving my mom to care for my son only. But my mom told him to stay at the hospital with me. And I can’t pretend that I wasn’t grateful that my husband was keeping me company at the hospital. It is unbelievably depressing to be lying down in a hospital bed after a surgery all alone.